Since years I have a question circling around my head: Why does it cost me so much effort to take time for myself? Why is it so easy to forget myself, but so easy to run for others if there is any need? Is caring for my own body and soul not also a responsibility our Creator has given to us? How should I give on the Day of Judgement an account to Allah? What if my soul is not satisfied with my bad treatment I enforced my whole life? I can’t understand why I have to force myself so strictly to come down. And the most bizarre thing is: Why do I feel so ashamed and guilty, if I take time for myself?
Two years ago I had a heavy disc herniation for months. Because the pain wasn’t bearable and my movement functions were restricted extremely, I was operated afterwards. Just months before my wedding. After that, I should do so much training, to rebuild my muscles again and to reduce the pain. All these days in the hospital were a shock for me. I was forced to lay, my body screamed and couldn’t accept not to run. I thought: This has to be a lesson for me. A chance to do a change. But I didn’t. I neither learned from it, nor I ever did the training. Even when I was in the rehabilation clinic, I only did the training, when I was forced to do. I never went to the wonderful, green, endless huge park, just right infront of the door. I always kept myself busy, doing things for others and trying to fulfil one task after another. I never paused. And also afterwards: I never visited physio therapy. Somehow I feel now ashamed of being so extremely bad to myself, but I have to punish myself by not trying to hide this bad behaviour from others. But: I am working on a change. Even during a very difficult time in my life, were it actually seemes impossible to me. A time, where I have worries, which pain my heart so deeply. A time, were I actually thought my mind is finally exhausted from sadness, which still is. But: I achieved my first milestones. I am just at the beginning. The path is long. And I hope so much, this process won’t end, but increase.
I know, that I am not alone with these kind of questions. And I know, out there are so many beautiful souls struggling with taking time for themselves too. The last times a reminder helps me in overcoming barriers: If I do not regenarete now, it might could happen, that my energy is worn out a decade earlier. What if I have one decade less in my life? In this decade I would be able to do so much things. Also for others. But I won’t be able to. Only because of neglecting myself for my whole life. So in the end of the day, my body has the same energy. If I do not regenerate now, my energy level will decrease by time anyway. And one day, it might shut down completely, and I might won’t be able to force and control it anymore. I see my own grandmother with the same consequences I fear of. Her whole life, she was running and running and running. Now she is forced to deal with all her illnesses and has a huge loss of energy.
Do you struggle with the same issues? How do You deal with that? Just remember: Allah also created You. You, a complex of endless wonders. And You are an ‚Amana‘ from God given to you. Nobody can replace this responsibility better than yourself. You are precious and worth receiving attention. Go outside, walk in the nearest place to nature, free your thoughts, be mindful value yourself.
You deserve it. 🌷